Joan on the Road...of Life

If I don't blog today I might not blog for another 3 months. Like many days, I woke up this morning with the big black cloud over my head. As I sat up I was pretty sure I'd puke so I made my way to the bathroom very slowly. After a few gags the stress passed by and I started the daily routine.

What? Where's that calm, happy Joan? Well, let me say that the main reason I haven't been writing is because I've been feeling very "down" and just not wanting to burden anyone with it. Can't find the words to write happiness. So I'll get it out of my system here and then get over it.

Today it took me until 4 pm, sitting at the Cancer Center waiting for Jim before the cloud lifted and I said to myself, "Self, it is what it is! Get over it."

You know, once you hear the words, "you have cancer," your life is absolutely never the same. You can't hide from it or deny it, much as you might try. We heard those words 7 years ago. Unbelievable. And for both of us to have cancer....incredible.

Mostly I don't look back. We've survived surgeries, chemos, and radiations. My black cloud is named "future". If I'm not careful I can go there for hours and think up all kinds of nasty scenarios. I have to force myself to "stay in the moment" and repeat my mantra...."Right here, right now I am safe and secure."

Then I force myself to read, crochet and play Scrabble on Facebook. Anything to focus my brain on positive and soothing thoughts. All I really want to do is close my eyes and escape. But there is no escape except to get through it, what ever it may be.

Ok...so now I've written it down and maybe that will be cathartic. Maybe the cloud won't be so black tomorrow. Maybe I'll pull a smile out from somewhere and maybe I'll find something clever to write about :)